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Do you remember that day when you first found out your child was deaf? I still remember the look in the audiologist’s eyes, the tone of his voice, the feeling of sympathy and sadness, “It’s a severe to profound hearing loss,” he said.
The journey that followed was filled with visits to the medical professionals, early interventionists; an information overload dumped on us as parents of a deaf child. There are pressures from the audiologist to make choices for listening devices. Maybe your family has an opinion to chime in as well. Not to mention the stress of everyday life and trying to connect to a child who is different than you. It’s not hard to understand why we are overwhelmed.
In my journey I have met some mothers who have become heroes in my eyes. They have done their best to communicate with their children, make sacrifices for their child’s success and SO MUCH MORE. Although there are many more like them, I will share four stories today. Know that for each story shared here there are many more stories that go untold everyday. I know you are out there Hero Moms and I salute you!
When my sister lost her hearing at age 16, the audiologists fitted her with hearing aids and sent her back to the classroom with no further support. My quiet but determined mother always put her daughters first and was not satisfied with this arrangement, especially when she saw my sister continuing to struggle. Finally, after asking everyone she knew about education for the deaf in the area, she found a program that used ASL. She contacted the school officials and soon my sister was attending a new school across town with other students who were deaf. My willing grandma with wavy gray hair, my nervous but dedicated mother and I began taking classes at the local community college with my sister. She passed us up quickly, but I was close behind. I always look up to my mother and grandmother for attending that class with us. My Hero Mom made sure my sister had the support she needed, even though it meant opening our world up to a new world that was in many ways overwhelming to her.
This little brunette fireball is one of my Heroes. You can read her blog here. I met April after learning her daughter was the same age as mine, to the very day! We met up at a McDonald’s. While her oldest 3 children, all who have autism, played in the playground, we chatted for over an hour. It was the first time we had met in person, but we had so much in common it felt like we had always known each other. Her sixth child, the baby at the time, was her first Deaf child and April was just learning ASL. She now holds an ASL endorsement for her special Education teaching degree and is teaching at a school for the Deaf. When her second Deaf child was born, she knew what to do. Pieced together in a beautiful family, this mother has tackled every challenge and is breaking through barriers for ALL of her children, as well as for others.
I remember when I met outgoing, friendly Tricia. We attended her church on a visit to her town. Her Deaf daughter was the same age as my Deaf son. They played together. Later she would relate to me, “From that day that she met your son she has been a different child. Something clicked for her that day.” It is so important for children to meet others like them! Tricia, truly a Hero Mom, understood that.
After that meeting we kept in touch. In efforts to connect her daughter to a larger Deaf peer group, Tricia’s family moved to a different state just as we moved to the North West. As always, Tricia has been involved in the school’s parent organization and stayed active in her daughter’s education. I admire the effort by the entire family to learn and use ASL. They make sure all are included and have what they need, even when it meant moving to a different state.
Tricia has written about her family’s journey here.
I have enjoyed meeting and becoming friends with the reserved Audrey Devan. When Audrey, a member of the Winnemem Wintu Tribe with long dark hair and large dark eyes, found out her daughter was Deaf, she immediately started learning ASL and becoming active in the community where she lived. She was supportive of other families in her same situation but quickly realized there were few families of Deaf children near her. When it became clear that her daughter would not be getting the education she needed where she was, she left everything she knew behind, including a close and loving family, and moved to another state for the greater good of her daughter’s education. The road has not been easy but the rewards for her daughter have been amazing. The changes I have seen in her and her language have been so fun to watch. A Hero mom makes sacrifices for her child.
Being a mother is hard. Being a mother of someone who is different than you is harder. Making sacrifices in order to make sure your child has every chance to succeed is invaluable.
I know what you are thinking, “I don’t think I’d call myself a ‘Hero Mom’.”
I remember thinking the same thing. I’d think of moving or pursuing my own career while being a mom and I’d be filled with fear. I’d ask myself, “Am I doing enough?” “Am I being the mother my children need so that they can truly succeed?” “Are my kids in the right place?” “How do I take care of my hearing and deaf children? “How do I ensure everyone feels accepted and loved?”
Becoming a ‘Hero Mom’ doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean your house is spotless and your kids are perfect angels. That isn’t realistic. No one is that kind of mom.
Being a ‘Hero Mom’ means you do your best to connect to your child, to let him know you love him no matter what. It means setting up your home for a safe place for all of your children. And a real Hero Mom will teach her child that anything is possible with the right tools, determination, sacrifice and dedication.
Are you ready to become a ‘Hero Mom?’ Are you already doing many things and just need a little push and support?
I’d love to help you pinpoint your areas of concern and provide tools that will support you on your journey. There are answers, and those answers look a little different for each family. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Ok… time to spill my guts.
For those of you with children who have IEPs, you will know what I mean. Many of you other parents have children who may not “fit in” in the regular public education classroom. They are active kids who are kinesthetic learners; they are bright, dyslexic, just delayed, day dreamers . . . The list goes on and on, doesn’t it.
I think most parents ponder the question: Is my child getting what he or she should out of school? Is there somewhere better? Should I do home school? A charter school? An online school?
Yes… these were the thoughts of my day. Should my child continue to attend a specialized school for the deaf? How would he do in the mainstream with an interpreter? What about a Montessori school or other charter school? The other Deaf/ Hard of Hearing program in town?
In effort to answer these questions, it was suggested that I visualize my child the way I want him to be. I thought, “I want him to be competent and to love learning. I want him to have a strong bilingual foundation in ASL and English. I want him to not just be able to read on grade level, but to turn to reading as a source of information and entertainment (even if it is mostly on the TV screen in the form of captions.) I want him to come home from school and recount fun experiences and facts, not just the sports he has played. I want him to be engaged in critical thinking and making decisions. I want him to be involved in fun science experiments that stretch his imagination and make him think. I also want him to have good friends that push him to do better. I want him to be challenged and pulled up to a higher level of thinking and learning every day.”
Well… you might be thinking, maybe he’s just a sports guy who doesn’t care much for school. That’s not really my boy. He does LOVE sports, but he also is interested in so many things and wants to learn. He loves anything about science, any story signed aloud in ASL. He loves non-fiction books and learning about history. When you present a variety of topics, he’s there and he wants to learn more.
So… if he is a motivated learner, has the language ability to improve and is really doing his best to pay attention and move forward, wherein lies the problem?
I have worked for 3 years in research and development for deaf children. I taught at a school for the deaf for 6 years. I saw the low expectations, the busy work, the lack of on level challenging curriculum. I also saw teachers that put in all of their effort to make sure the kids were engaged, loving learning, and learning new things every day.
I know that what happens in any classroom is in the hands of the teacher. My child can do his best, but if the teacher and the staff are not interested in him and in teaching a way that will appeal to and engage him, how much can you expect? If after meeting after meeting, you still see him bored and frustrated with minimal changes in instruction and curriculum, what more can you do?
When I asked him how he liked school he signed, “I PATIENT” Being interpreted that means: “I put up with it.”
And so… I face this question. Do I dare face that world of solitary isolation that so many deaf and hard of hearing adults have been through and would never go back? Do I dare put his education in the hands of an interpreter and a teacher who has probably never worked with a deaf child before? All in the hopes of engaging and challenging my son and immersing him in on-grade curriculum in all content areas.
And yet, if I don’t… will I regret it? Will I look back in 5 years when the curriculum is still not challenging, and wish I had? We can always go back to the deaf school. Right?
And then I realize the most important thing: “No matter what, he will have us.”
Update on the School Situation…. Jan 21, 2015
After a year and a half of struggling in school, I did it, I brought him home. 
Here’s what happened. Christmas break ended and he went back to school. Everyday was a fight to get homework done. He started missing privileges, then started acting out more at home. Martin Luther King day – no school. Then Tuesday he came home a wreck. He was out of control and I knew something was wrong. I just looked at him and asked, “What happened?” He actually let me hug him and replied, “It’s been an awful day.”
When I finally got the chance to sit down with him, after all the hustle and bustle of the afternoon, I simply asked him to tell me how he was feeling. He answered, “panicked.” We had recently discussed different emotions and the idea of “panic” and “paranoia.” It was an emotion we had recently identified and that he knew he had felt before. He was telling me, “I’m stressed out. I don’t feel safe.” Other emotions we identified as we talked: frustration, boredom, feeling restricted (creatively).
SO…. I finally said enough, is enough. Today started day 1 of home-school and it’s going to be an adjustment. However, he is excited and I guess that’s saying something. At the moment he is leading a language arts activity with my pre-schooler. The classic activity labeling items in the house. You might hear from other sources that this isn’t the best activity to do, however I have found it extremely useful in my house. It’s a fabulous literacy activity. He is spelling words and learning some root words, while my pre-schooler is doing letter recognition as well as object identification and pre-literacy.
What else do we have in store today?
A Science project that I found in my fridge this morning: we will be investigating mold. Since he’s never been involved with a Science Fair, we are going to do the whole big bang project and take it to other home-schooled students in our neighborhood.
It’s not easy. In fact, in our society today it can be downright difficult! However, the key, believe it or not, is YOUR belief in him. If you don’t believe your child can succeed, how can you instill that belief in him and help him actually do it? I was faced with this as a young parent. Although I knew that deaf people do succeed in many endeavors, there are obvious blocks that prevent them from doing some things. Or so I thought.
My journey to believe started on my way to become a teacher of the deaf, an advocate for students and their success in life. I saw low expectations from teachers, “It’s ok,” the teacher would say, “He’s deaf. What more can I expect?” I vowed never to say the same and always push my students to their full potential.
Fast forward many years and I’m driving in the car with my 2 young boys. The eldest is 5 and hearing. His brother was only 3. I was shocked to hear this come out of his mouth (talking about his brother): “He’s not smart, he’s deaf.”
Where in the world had he learned this? Had society taught him at such a young age that deaf people are not smart? That you need to be able to speak and hear to be smart?
I began to actively teach the concept of “We Succeed Because We can” to all of my children, hearing and deaf. We talked about deaf adults who succeed and what they do. I gave examples of deaf adults we knew who were obviously “smart.” I let them pursue whatever challenges they wanted, encouraging them all the way.
Yet no matter what we do at home, society will have their say. Here are some things I’ve heard or seen said.
“I’m preparing my students for middle school. They MUST learn to read and write.”
~ while neglecting the content curriculum ~“Write about your dreams. I’m not talking about playing football kinds of dreams.
I’m talking about college or what you want to do when you grow up.”
~ paraphrased from a teacher’s instructions. ~
“You can’t … You’re deaf.” ~ Hearing classmate in a public school ~
“You want to be a _________? That’s impossible. You’re deaf!” ~ Fill in the blank, almost every career or job has been found in such a sentence. ~
~ Many times spoken by teachers, parents, and specialists. ~
When my own son encountered these comments at school, I was relieved and amazed at what he answered.
I was also grateful that his brother had learned a thing or two in the last 6 years. He recently had written a paper on his dream that Deaf and hearing people would be equal and have equal access to education, language, and careers. My deaf son asked permission to take his classmates and show them the paper that was hanging in the hall. His classmates were able to read the essay and many were impressed. He wasn’t afraid to stand up for himself.
Bullying deaf children happens on a daily basis. Whether it’s society, their teacher, their parents, a hearing peer, or a neighbor. It doesn’t matter if it’s a deaf school or a public school. I’ve also come to see that it doesn’t matter so much if you use ASL, hearing aids, CI; talk or not. It’s an issue all deaf children, and even adults, face. For years, deafness has been seen as a disability. For years, deaf children have been told, or have just even felt, they can’t succeed.
I later asked my son, “What helped you respond so confidently to those kids? You knew they were wrong and weren’t scared to tell them so. How did you know that?”
“That poster.” He answered.
He’s talking about a poster my husband made entitled, “We Succeed Because We Can.”
When my deaf son was 5 and was asked this question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” he answered, like every other 5 year old boy, “A fireman, or a cop.” You can see his fun cop story on our YouTube channel.
I was tempted to tell him, “That’s not possible because you can’t hear.” Luckily, I didn’t, even though this is one of those areas where society has set rules that normally make it hard for deaf people to serve in this capacity. I let him dream. He still loves firemen and policemen, though his ambitions now include construction, science, engineering, forestry service, being a comedian and story teller, and more.
I am privileged to have married a dreamer. He knew the meaning of “We Succeed Because We Can” more than many and is sharing that very message. Through this amazing poster, he introduced me to 48 successful Deaf adults of the 21st century. He taught my children about these people, who have succeeded and thrived in careers often thought impossible for a Deaf Person. It is their stories that gave my son the confidence to stand up for himself.
Seth grew up and became a volunteer fire fighter during high school. He liked helping out, giving back. When he went to college at RIT, he applied to volunteer there. His first application was denied, but he went to the next town over.
“He drives the department’s rescue truck and responds to house fires, helping set up hoses outside the structures. He can lip read well and has even been more of an asset when deaf patients have been involved in car accidents—he asked in sign language whether the victims were hurt.”
And he’s not alone. The article notes there are around 50 deaf firefighters nation wide. (http://www.ntid.rit.edu/news/deaf-firefighters-answer-call-serve)
“Nolan, 29 and deaf, has been trying for decades to join the U.S. military. While some of his persistence has paid off — he’s passed the first two levels of ROTC, joining the Bravo Company at California State University — he’s currently prohibited from moving on to level three.”
He is continuing the battle, working with legislatures to allow him to serve in the army. Over 80% of army jobs are noncombat, which deaf can qualify for, yet are still kept from working them due to long standing rules. He’s working to change that, and has a good chance at doing so.
“Each morning I get up and put on my uniform, I feel privileged,” Nolan said, “It’s truly an honor to wear that uniform.”
TEDx: Keith Nolan, Deaf ROTC Soldier, Works To Change Military Acceptance Rules, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/02/keith-nolan_n_1316422.html.
I heard one time that . . .
“True success lies in discovering what you love to do, and finding someone to pay you to do it.”
So.. Let them dream.
Then give them the skills the need to achieve,
no matter how long it takes;
no matter what we have to fight for.
Get your own We Succeed Because We Can poster and start teaching your deaf child and students today about Success!
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1. Drop the food color into the jar with the pasta.(15 drops to 1 cup pasta/beans) |
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2. Make sure the lid is on tight and SHAKE!! |
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3. Pour out onto the wax paper and spread out to dry. |
Also known as “indoor sand,” this is sand that holds together more than natural sand. It is very therapeutic. Adults love playing in it just as much as kids. We’ve already made sand castles and shapes and messes. Luckily, it’s a lot easier to clean up than real sand too!
Wait! We’re not finished! One more! These are water marbles.
You can purchase them here.
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| They start out tiny! |
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| Put them in a bin and pour water over them. |
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| We had fun watching them grow! |
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| Here they are at full size! |
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| This is one of our FAVORITE sensory activities!*** |
***just make sure the little ones don’t eat them!
Jeanene Holley
I LOVE this post! I found myself nodding with every one of your concerns. I face these questions with my deaf child almost daily; “am I doing enough to support her education?”, “is she being challenged enough?”, “what environment is the best placement for her?” I am eager to hear how things progress for you both, especially from HIS perspective too. Being a parent is tough enough; then adding on language model, communication facilitator, advocate, teacher…there are many hats we wear as parents of the deaf; but how joyful it is to see it is all worth it if it gives my child access to all the world has to offer!
deafsense
And we seem to face them again and again, year after year! It’s not just a one time decision, is it? I need to do an update as it has been a long time since this original post! He’s doing well. It’s been a journey. It will continue to be a journey!